| + A life of hopes, Dreams, Love, and Heartache + |
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| Im Not Okay (I Promise) |
[25 Sep 2004|10:38pm] |
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My Chemical Romance |
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"I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"
Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what they mean
(I'm not okay)
So be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
You wear me out.
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took?
You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed
I'm okay.
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)
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I'm not okay
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| Sidewalks, running away from the streets we knew |
[23 Sep 2004|08:45pm] |
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mood |
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Alone |
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music |
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SOTY * Sidewalks |
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Holding on seems like forever, waiting here feels like an eternity, i want to run away, i want away from it all, im not depressed, my life is full of potential and I am more than excited about the future, but i hate being surrounded with depressed people... i dont want to be put down on their level, i want to be okay and I want to not have to worry about all the sad things in life.. i hate coming home because of it, everyone is sad because she messed up.. its no ones fault but her own....I just want out.. before I fall down again
I dont like being alone, it scares me, i hate the feeling that I have when I wake up every morning knowing that there is nothing to look forward to in the day, having to deal with the fact that I dont have anyone to look forward to seeing, and holding at the end of the day. I hate this feeling, and its so hard knowing that I have it but its 1400 miles away and trying to come to me... so all there is to do is wait
As I wait I do have a few people in my life to help cheer me up... Jess and the guys... I know we have problems..but they are awesome... and i dont know how I would make it without them... this process is going to be so hard, but i know with them it will be ten times easier...
i just really hate being alone... and i feel REALLY alone right now...
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6 I promises I'm not okay
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| Not much to say |
[21 Sep 2004|09:32am] |
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I am at work at the moment just wanted to say hello! And now i must go price some more candles and stuff.. so yeah!
I love you robbie!
*I am sooo excited... i have all these new decorating ideas for our apartment i cant wait! *
- Oh and by the by jess and I are cool now.. so yeah no more comments biatches! luv ya! bye
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I'm not okay
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| CaN We SaY MiNd YoUr OwN DaMn BuSsInEsS |
[21 Sep 2004|09:22am] |
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mood |
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impressed |
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Yeah, across the top of my journal it reads.. "kissessosweet's Journal" last time i checked this is MY JOURNAL! If you dont like what i write in it then dont read it! If your offended by what i write in it then DONT FUCKING READ IT! Alot of times I have things that I want said that are kept inside me.. rather than telling someone and yelling at random people for something that they never did... I often turn to my journal... and yes i know people read it, but NO i dont intend on everyone getting all ass hurt over it (JOSH, JESSIE, and all others who wish to comment on it) Really, me writing about anything on here is no diffrent then you having "no where to go" "no one to talk to" because this is who i talk to! Funny though, that some people have to tell the whole damn world... and then turn around and say "thats the only person i told" I have learned alot over the past year, i used to think i had ONE person in my life that I can go to about anything... and im starting to realise that that person probablly wasnt to faithful of a friend at all. im sure ALOT of people know about things i only told that ONE PERSON... but now i have realised that I have four amazing people who mean the world to me .. Josh, Smerf, Tyler, & Brandon have all become my best friends over this process and to be honest with you.. thats all i need... well plus robbie.. but that wont be much longer..
so.. for all of those who comment on my journal..i dont care if you get pissed off... go ahead and comment.. just remember.. you DIDNT HAVE TO READ IT!
-- by the by -- Story of the Year kicked ass! oh and i really liked My Chemical Romance.. im not to sure about letters kill ..
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1 I promise I'm not okay
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| I think of you and everythings alright |
[18 Sep 2004|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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I am depressed.. blah blah blah the world hates me blah blah blah i cant see why everyone is mad at me blah blah blah i guess i will just be friendless for the rest of my life blah blah blah i hate midland, and the people in it... wait i just hate people in general blah blah blah i had no one to talk to blah blah blah im so depressed blah blah blah did i mention im sad blah blah blah i didnt do anything wrong blah blah blah guess im just a horrible person.. blah blah blah... i guess i will do the world a favor and just kill myself...wah,
here let me save u the trouble... *shoots u in the head*
get over it... drugs dont solve everything
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14 I promises I'm not okay
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| You make me wanna LALALA in the kitchen on the floor |
[16 Sep 2004|07:48pm] |
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mood |
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Things I did today
1. Went to school
2. Saw Kevin and I got my BOUNCY BALL YAY!
3. Cheated Math Lab but hey i didnt wanna sit there for 1 hr.
4. Took Megan and Trenden to Walmart
5. Talked to Robbie :)
6. Got my package from Robbie in the mail yay!
7. Saw Sara Cheer at the game
8. Went to Psychology and probablly failed my test
9. Went to eat by myself
10. Came home after I ate... and sat here alone .. again
WOW so exciting... my week has been so complete.. i got left at hastings, i ate dinner by myself, and robbie still isnt here
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1 I promise I'm not okay
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| I cant remember the time or place... all i know it was the best conversation that I ever had |
[15 Sep 2004|07:08am] |
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The Story So Farr.... NFG |
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Despite all the chaos and madness in my life right now, i have found a peace, a peace that I have been searching for since the day he left... its been 3 months now, and I know that without him in my future, my life will not be fullfilled...
I know what I want and I know that I will go to any length to get it, even if that means moving out of state, to be with that person that completes you in a way that no other person can complete you... it is worth every penney, every memory, every heartache, and every lonely minute of a persons life....
I have been mad depressed lately, and I realised that there really isnt anything for me here... I am lost without him ... he was my friend, my best friend, and for a while... he was my only friend... he was all I had... and I all I needed... and it puts a smile on my face to know that I will have that again some day....
Now I can focus on my school work, and getting a job, and not having to worry about a damn thing when it comes to love... because i know where my heart is... and i know who cares enough to take care of it....
"Hands down this is the best thing I could ever remember"
Life can be really hard sometimes, and it can bring u to the point to where you dont want to be here .... but in the end... life can suprise you with all the beautiful things it has to offer.... i love you....
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I'm not okay
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| Hands down this is the best thing I could ever remember... |
[14 Sep 2004|04:18pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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The Matchbook Romance ---- The Promise |
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Yes dear, excuse me for yelling at you... how dare I ever think that you THE ONLY OUTSIDE SOURCE OF THE INFORMATION would have ever opened your mouth and told MY BUSINESS to someone else... how dare i ever think that... why how stupid of me not to realise that she was sitting in her room one day and just decided that by golly someone needed to ruin Christie's life... my gosh... what a retard i am... i never thought that she was capable of just conjuring up this awful story about me and the boys all by herself... yes wendi, i am terribly terribly sorry that i yelled at you... i just wasnt thinking i guess.... yes you still remain the holy child.. yes you are still perfect... you do something wrong? how could i possibly think such a thing...
WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
Listen, Jess told something she wasnt supossed to.. yes she did betray our friendship, yes I was mad at her for starting it all.... but you know what.... she did the right thing and stood up to me and told me that she did tell you and that she was sorry... and i respect her for that so much... yes the trust issue with her will be a great struggle for months to come... but because she was a friend i have forgiven her... why the hell cant everyone grow up and either fess up to their mistakes and grow some damn balls and take what you did... stop being a little bitch... you know that you blabbed something that wasnt even fucking true... you know what the worst part about it all is...four very innocent sweet loving and caring boys are the victims in all of this and you could care less.... well you know what i have even better advice than what i said before.. try this
STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS YOU WERENT EVEN THERE
THAT WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING!!! NOW WOULDNT IT!!!!!!!!!
In other news,
I was super depressed yesterday, i was scared for the boys, they are my best friends.. i love them so much! They are not horrible people...so to counter act all of it .. i drove to a park last night a just walked around and talked to robbie on the phone... he hung up... and i drove around listening to my "robbie" cd.... it was happy... yet sad... i started crying... i think i missed him more that I have ever missed him last night.... he is so awesome... i need him in my life in some way... im not sure how right now... but some way i need him here.. or there... or something... i just need him... i went to bed hoping i wouldnt wake up.... and damn it i woke up this morning... i miss him... so much... i dunno what to do.. im gonna start applying at photography schools.... msybe there is one in indiana or something ... all i know is i need to be near him... even if he is just my friend... he is the best friend i have ever had... and i need him....
im gonna go... tyler, smerf, Josh i love all so very very much...
Tyler, Josh,
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I'm not okay
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| If I fall back down your gonna help me back up again |
[11 Sep 2004|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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I dont know who all reads my journal, and im not sure who told adrianne that i hated her, but i just want to make it clear that I think adrianne is super sweet and I have never had a problem with her, i just got upset with robert, but things are great now and I just wanted everyone to know that...
Now, as for my day...
Well Jess stayed the night last night,we didnt really do anything to super exciting, she talked on the computer and i watched a movie, but it was just really nice to have her here, just sitting around and randomly talking every now and then was really nice... we drove around at 1 am trying to find some stupid eye drops for my eyes lol, but we had no money so we called everyone we knew.... finally josh wilsons roommate came to my rescue he had drops! So we payed josh a visit at his dorm at 1am and i got eye drops yay!... We went to bed around 3 something... it was so great we slept until like 11:30... I dont think either of us have slept that long in a long time! After Jess went home, Trenden came over and Mom and I took him to the mall, then we had our annual family fish fry thing to go to.. ugh its just a bunch of old hickish hillbillies sitting around on a farm cooking fish that they caught all month long from their own pond. Then I had a softball game, well I wouldnt call it a game we only played 1 1/2 innings... then it got cancelled cus the lights wouldnt come on and it was getting dark. I was pissed. JoshW, Jess, and Kevin all came to watch and we didnt even play... so we went to Rosas and Kevin stole my ice! ugh hehe.... then we went to the park and played around... (always check the slide to make sure there is not water at the bottom).. then we went to Barnes and Nobles and we read random books.. and took girly quizzes out of the teen magazines... then Robert called me so I went to Joshs to see him, and stayed there until like 1:00, Smerf, Adrianne, Josh, Robert, Matt, Tyler, Brandon, and I all sat around and chilled for a while...
Now im at home... and im thinking about sleep... but i dunno lol.... night!
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I'm not okay
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| Get a load of me get a load of you walking down the street and I hardly know you |
[09 Sep 2004|11:04pm] |
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Well today started out alright, with school and everything, i really love tuesdays and thursdays... then i came home and helped mom out with her garage sale she is having tomorrow..
Then it kind of all hit me at once again... I really started thinking about robbie, he just popped in my head and I got really depressed, and i stayed that way for a while... then i went to joshs and asked his mom if i could get something to eat from her house cus i havent ate anything in two 1/2 days cus my mom took all my money... so i did that... she is awesome
then i went to class... then we watched the apprentice... and then my better part of the day happened! Robert came over :) yay! I love robert he is great! and he is like oober cute too... ne who... im back at home now... and im tired... and i am thinking about robbie alot....
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I'm not okay
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| All I want to do is lie in bed with you all I really ever need is you |
[07 Sep 2004|02:32pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Sugarcult (well thats what i was listening to in my car lol) |
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HeHe I kinda feel like im in high school again! Im at the ATC trying to work on my English Essay thats due on Thursday, I have done 5 of the paragraphs, so now I just need 5 more.. I think I will do those tomorrow.. half and half isnt to bad...
Sorry to all of those people that were pissed off at me last night.. I just had a REALLY REALLY bad day.. and I let alot of things get to me that I normally wouldnt.. I get that way when I miss Robbie... and Im sorry :)XOXO please forgive me! Whitney, Robert, Tyler, and everyone else I made mad... I just miss having robbie around he was like my bestest friend ya know?....
Softball practice starts tonight so im skipping Psychology class... I know I know... I have my priorities inline dont I hahaha..anywho...
My Mass Communications class is gonna be interesting I think... and I cant wait to start photography next semester :) yay! ... hmm...
K, thats about it I guess...im gonna go wonder around for a while buh byes!
_______ RANDOM BITCHINESS_____________
p.s.
Theres a slut in the room with me right now.. i think her name is slutvannah... or maybe its just savannah... either way.. i bet if u just say hey bitch she will notice ur talking to her... ugh ... stupid whore.. get out of my computer lab biatch!
buh byes!
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9 I promises I'm not okay
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| Till the day my life is through this I promise you |
[06 Sep 2004|06:22pm] |
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depressed |
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Why cant I stop thinking about him?... why is he my everything and im his nothing?... why is he in my dreams at night?...Why is he always in my head?... Why is always around me yet he is so farr away?... why am I in love?... Why wont it go away?...
Its been 3 months..since my life fell apart.. its been 3 weeks since I thought i was okay..its been 3 days since I cried myself to sleep.. its been 3 hours since i just wanted to scream... its been 3 minutes... no... scratch that... he is still in my head...
I dont want to be told that it will all be okay, because in the end it wont, not until I can learn how to fall out of love.
I dont want to be told that he isnt the one for me, until my heart stops telling me that he is.
I dont want to be told to let go, until you all fucking feel the pain that i go through everyday just to wake up knowing that i cant go see him...
I dont want to be told to get over it... because i cant...
I JUST WANT IT TO ALL GO AWAY ... I WANT MY CUTE LITTLE PINK HAIRED ROBBIE BACK...
I want to be 16 again... i want to be able to make it ok... i want to be okay... thats it ...
..and i wish to god i wouldnt have to fucking compete with everything and and everyone in the world just to be fucking happy...
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4 I promises I'm not okay
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| New Major!!! |
[02 Sep 2004|10:05pm] |
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Well it is only the fourth day of school and I have already changed my major. I am going to go into journalism and photography... its really what interests me ... so it should be good.
I am going to dallas tomorrow and will be back on sunday! You can call my cell whenever you want i will have it with me :) and its not roaming... so yeah call me
Um... i got my hair cut... thats the only big thing that has happened lol... i like it ... jessies is hot as well... anywho im going home (im at joshs) luv ya!
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I'm not okay
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| IF your sleeping are you dreaming if your dreaming are you dreaming of me? |
[30 Aug 2004|08:03pm] |
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mood |
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 giggly |
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Well school was alright... met a new person... he kinda looks like tyler in a creepy way.... makes me smile when i look at him, i love tyler!
Well I have experience Algebra and MCLite.... so farr so good.... ugh i dread meeting my Anatomy professor.. i hear she HELLA hard and her class is HELLA hard to... kinda scared :/
oh well... maybe i can see Robert tomorrow :) that would cheer me up some :)
any who.... umm oh yeah! Sept. 18th is the next movie night.. or maybe sept. 19.... i dunno :) we will see....
goodnight to all :) .... i got school until like 1:30 or 2:00.... so call me !
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2 I promises I'm not okay
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| HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY |
[29 Aug 2004|09:24pm] |
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cheerful |
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I am extremley happy, i finally told Robert that I liked him... took me long enough.... I know... and i know you will all be glad that I told him so I dont have to talk about it all the time... i told him... and i think he likes me.... we stayed up until 5:30 in the morning outside of joshs house sitting on the ground just talking...:) it was nice.... hehe and he kissed me :) it was cute..... aww.... my world is bliss right now... its wonderful... and i start school tomorrow yay!
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1 I promise I'm not okay
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| I dare you to run, i dare you to move like today never happened |
[25 Aug 2004|09:47pm] |
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Had an awesome night... talking to jessie always makes everything so much easier for me... it makes what i have all built up in my head just poor out so much easier ....
I have decided that this year wasnt the worst year of my life, that would have to be my sophmore year, but this year would definetly be the one i deleted if i had the choice to.... but i dont so i have to live with the way things are
Now, if i could only solve the little problem i have with my heart i would be in good shape... but i did feel 10 times better about myself after seeing Kris's new gf, wow... and hearing that she is 17 ... makes me smile! i know thats wrong but it makes me laugh
mmm goodnight to all
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3 I promises I'm not okay
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| Taking down the world one innocent person at a time |
[24 Aug 2004|10:30pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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Well I almost killed smerf.... i almost did him in..... its a REALLY fucking long story... but im just glad he is okay.... I hope it doesnt leave his face to scared up and that he isnt really sore in the morning.... i feel like such a bad person.. i could have fucking killed him... if he would have fell off quicker i would have ran his head over.. omg .... i want to cry
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1 I promise I'm not okay
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